Gay thin

Two people hugging while staring at each other just before they kiss. Not only do gay thin inevitably bring up Grindr, but they talk about it in a way that assumes I can relate to their experiences. People with normative, culturally valued bodies that is, thin or muscular, white or light-skinned, hairless or appropriately hairy, cis, masculine, non-disabled, and so on use Grindr as a way to seek out sex, friendship, and other relationships, and present their experiences on Grindr as if they are universal.

Meaning: They present their experiences in a way that assumes that everyone uses Grindr, or has the same access on Grindr as them, while at the same time erasing the ways in which their body is privileged in such a way that allows them to have positive experiences on Grindr.

But these conversations can become complicated because they run the risk of erasure.

Gay Pride Thin Rainbow Line Double Sided Garden Flag

Toyota Gay thin has written a brilliant article addressing her positive experiences on Grindr as a fat femme trans woman, and the diversity of desires that are present there. But when this assumption is based on the experience of people with thin and other privilegesit erases the experiences of others.

Not honoring the diversity of experience that gay thin with diversity of bodies, and expecting us all to relate to the thin experience, upholds body fascism in these ways. The way that Grindr has become talked about seems to assume that everyone is welcomed.

This gives me reason to believe that the same is true for other Grindr users. Most Grindr users have a predetermined body type they are attracted to — a thin one. And while there is certainly nothing stopping me from staying on Grindr, when I get no conversation or dates, it ultimately only takes up space on my phone.

That space is better used for pictures of people who actually do love and want me, like selfies. I can only imagine that many other folks with non-normative bodies leave Grindr for similar reasons. So while Grindr is technically a welcoming space for all, in practice it actually self-selects based on normative standards of attraction.

Through pushing out people without normative bodies, Grindr ends up becoming its own highly curated space, primarily for thin people who are seeking sex with other thin people. And, again: If this is what it means to be gay, can I be gay? That I no longer identify as gay for other reasons is besides the point.

As a confident and sexually active person who just entered my thirties, experiencing gay thin and invisibility on Grindr has shifted from being devastating to obnoxious. It took years — literally — of working on my self-image and self-esteem, and learning to seek out spaces where my body is actually valued and wanted.

This type of body fascism runs so deep that I was 29 before I realized there are people who are sincerely attracted to me and are not merely settling when they sleep with me. It might be unfair to assume that this is causing similar identity crises for young queers, but the pressure to both have and desire a specific thin or muscular body that circulates on Grindr has an impact.

The privileging of these bodies in our sexual lives is a result of their larger social privilege. As a result, it also spills over into other aspects of our lives. I said I appreciated the sentiment, but wondered what the use was when everyone on Grindr looks the same.

How can you interrogate your desires in a space that becomes an echo chamber of normativity? What do you do when you do interrogate your desires and want to expand them? How is that possible when everyone still looks the same? Many people use multiple apps.

But across the most popular ones, the problem is replicated. Different apps cater to different subcultures. For example: Scruff, arguably the second most common MSM app, is marketed more towards people who are attracted to hair and muscular bodies, while Growlr is marketed towards people who like fatter bodies, and sometimes fatter, hairy bodies.

The primary difference between body types that are featured on Scruff and Growlr is fatness. This is very transparent.